The Stranger in the reflection, only confirms your intuition that you are not who you think you are, will be or ever was...

The Bright Darkness

It's a sense of Independence and knowing and wanting more and more. It's fucking frightening and you sometimes wonder if anyone cares or can ever comprehend what you are going through.

Independence

But those fourth of July's...beach, barbecues and good times...at least that is what I choose to remember. We cannot change the past or truly remember exactly how things were. Our memory rewrites the stories over and over again. Embellishing the good times and perhaps being quietly haunted by the bad.  Things weren’t always so simple for this boy, nor the boy inside this man; I still go through a lot of lonely days and feel an internal sadness even when I shouldn’t be feeling that way.

Jubilation and Waiting

Counter feelings on the battle fields, fighting hand in hand warfare. Blood in the grass and death at my feet. Dreams, desires, hopes and lovers… Last grasp for the chance to live again… To be reborn…

Riding the Writer’s Block Train

I sit by my laptop at night or early in the morning and I draw a blank.  I think about people I have seen on the trains, the streets or in cafes. I think about the customers I have met, family members and friends. Their faces and demeanor scream stories but my brain wont speak to my fingers.

Two Strangers

“That’s a lot of luggage to bring into a marriage.” “As if it’s not tough as it is.” She said. “What are you going to tell her?” “I am going to tell her to make a decision based on what she feels. If she is scared at any time when she is with him - that is a bad thing. Couples should feel safe when they are together.” “So why don't you just tell her not to marry him?” “Because it’s her decision to make. If I tell her to do something it's my decision. She needs to understand that whatever direction she is going to choose in life, she has to own it.”

Emotional Freedom

The problem with fear and anxiety is that unless you have been through it - it makes no sense to you and you simply want to smack the person experiencing it and say, “Get over it!” If only it were that simple...

Feeling and Saying, “Thank You”

Some people pray to their higher power with words written by others and read them quickly to get through the task.   Think of it like a little kid when their guardian says, “Say thank you.” They put on an angry face and say in a deep and quick pace, “Thankyou.” “Thank yous” become a reflex reaction like a knee jerk. You are given something that is priceless and you say, “Thank you.” A sports player excels and points at the sky and says, “Thank you.” But when they fail do they express gratitude for at least being given the chance?

Caravan of Jokers

There's a crossroad on the highway, chain gangs moaning in tunes I now know and I hum along. I kick away the pebbles which try and obstruct the path towards a destination that seemed so close but remains elusive. The pebbles have graduated into stones, then rocks and now boulders which obstruct my passage.

Goodbye to Panic

The Doctor says that panicking is not an aerobic exercise. 

Forever Melancholia

Forever melancholia, like a never ending opera being played out in his head; broken glass he walks carefully barefoot, searching for that open door which can lead him to the place he loves best. 

Updates and Some Thoughts

My update here is to acknowledge that I have a problem and I am tackling it. Mental issues are hard because they can be intangible, untraceable to the blood tests or physical examinations. But I feel the pain as I walk and I remember another day, week, year, decade has past me by and I have yet to ascend as I had wished, hoped and dreamed of doing. 

Sirens and The Occasional Bark

A distant siren sounds, a light flicks on and off in apartments above the street lamp. Through a silhouette you can see the occupant pulling off their coat and suddenly a hat and the silhouette reveals it to be a woman. She stands there but I walk on past.